DHS RULES OUT TERRORISM

The shooting began at 8:20am today. Less than an hour after being notified and not knowing the number of shooters, the Department of Homeland Security issued the following internal memo.

DHS internal report: Navy Yard shooting has ‘no known connection to terrorism’

How would the DHS, having been taken by utter surprise, know within mere minutes of the shooting about any connections at all?

I have no idea what is going on down at the Navy yard, but I’ll tell you what: it ain’t terrorism! Uh! Uh! No sir!

THE WHITEHOUSE PRESS BRIEFING
with your host, Whitehouse Press Secretary Jay Carney.

Jay Carney: “The latest reports seem to indicate that no moose were involved.”
Reporter 1: “Excuse me. Are you saying there was a point where you thought a moose was involved?”
Jay Carney: “I’m saying that the latest reports seem – and I’d like to clarify seem – to indicate that no moose were involved. That’s what I’m saying.”
Reporter 2: “So prior to this announcement, one or more moose were suspected? Seriously?”
Jay Carney: “I’m not here to specify the number of moose suspected if any at all, other than to say none “seem” to be involved.”
Reporter 1: “You just made finger-quotes when you said ‘seem’.”
Jay Carney: “This is an ongoing investigation of an ongoing event. It would be unwise to rule anything out.”
Reporter 3: “Are you honestly saying that it is unwise to rule out a moose as the gunman?”
Jay Carney: “I have said nothing to either establish or rule out the number of moose that may or may not be involved. I also said nothing of the gender of the gunman or gunmen.”
Reporter 3: “You just called them gunMan and gunMen.”
Jay Carney: “I could have said gunmoose. It’s a figure of speech.”
Reporter 2: “No it’s not!”
Jay Carney: “It is in Canada.”
Reporter 1: “We’re not in Canada!”
Jay Carney: “We’re close. Right next door.”
Reporter 4: “I’m from Canada and it’s not a figure of speech, eh?”
Jay Carney: “What are you doing here? This pref briesing… preff… press briess… BrieFing is restricted to American press only.”
Reporter 4: “I AM American! Canada is part of the North American continent!”
Jay Carney: “No it’s not. Security, escort that person out of here.”

– Reporter 4 is taken away screaming –

Reporter 4: “Gunmoose is not a figure of speech in CANA-DAaaaa…!”
Jay Carney: “Is so.”

UPDATES:

CBS, NBC retract Navy Yard shooter reports

September 16, 2013 | Categories: Life, Portfolio | Tags: American, Canada, Department of Homeland Security, DHS, Gunman, Gunmen, internal memo, Jay Carney, Moose, Navy Yard, Press Briefing, Reporter, terrorism | Leave a comment