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THE HOUSE THAT SCREAMS!

THE TOMB OF DRACULA Issue 12
Sept. 1973 – Marvel Comics Group

“HEAR ME, Quincy Harker! If you wish to see your daughter ALIVE again, then FOLLOW ME to.. … THE HOUSE THAT SCREAMS!”

Quincy Harker: “But that’s here! We’re already *at* The House That Screams!”
Dracula: “NO! This is The House That SHRIEKS!” 
Everyone: ?!? 
Dracula: “Ahem. I’ll admit, it’s a subtle difference. EVEN SO!”

Flies off –

Dracula: “And as for you, young Miss Harker, your Glaring Bright Neon Green outfit CANNOT BURN ME!!!

…although it *is* making my eyes water quite a bit…”

2 Hours Later…

Dracula (growing impatient as dawn approaches): “I’ll bet those idiots are waiting for me at The House That Shouts!”
Wilhelmina Harker: “How many of these crazy houses are around here, anyway?”
Dracula: “Regrettably, Transylvania is filthy with these relics. NO MATTER! TO THE HOUSE THAT SHOUTS!”

Dracula scoops up Ms. Harker and flies them both to The House That Shouts. Sure enough, Quincy Harker and his entourage are waiting there.

Dracula: “You FOOLS! This is the HOUSE THAT SHOUTS!”
Arthur Holmwood: “Oh come on!”
Dracula: “I warned you to come to the HOUSE THAT SCREAMS!”
Lucy Westenra: “You act like we’re familiar with this damn place. And it’s not like these houses have a sign or anything.”
Quincy Harker: “They don’t even have people living in them. They’re all deserted.”
Dracula: “Yes, well, the last government was rather harsh on the old families before the overthrow … What Am I Saying?!? Time is short! You have less than two hours to get to THE HOUSE THAT SCREAMS!

Dracula rises up, Ms. Harker in tow.

Quincy Harker: “2 hours? Unless that house is on this property, it’s going to take longer than that, what with me being bound to a wheelchair.”
Dracula: “Then your friends will have to Drive You to THE HOUSE THAT SCREAMS!
Lucy Westenra: “This is an isolated mountain house. We had to slowly come on horseback pulling Quincy’s wheelchair.”
Dracula: “You came on -? Gah! FINE! Follow me to … *Sigh*… THE ATTIC!”
Quincy Harker: “An old man like me? Four flights of stairs in a wheelchair?”
Dracula: “OH FOR THE LOVE OF – I HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER!!!
Quincy Harker: “Whom I love with all my heart!”
Wilhelmina Harker: “Don’t worry Father, I’ve gone through scared and right into bored.”
Quincy Harker: (beaming with pride) “That’s my Girl!”
Dracula: “WHAT? I could drop you to your death RIGHT NOW!”
Ms. Harker: “At least I won’t be bored to death with your asinine rubrics.”
Quincy Harker: “HA! That’s so Mina!”
Lucy Westenra: “Heh! I know, right?”
Dracula: “BAH! Old man! Do you want to see your beloved daughter DASHED TO DEATH before your feet?”
Quincy Harker: “Of course not! But to repeat: I’m an Old man in a Wheel! Chair! It will be daylight before I can reach these difficult rendezvous points of yours.”
Dracula (frustrated): “GRRRRRAAAAAHHH!!!! *Sigh*! Oh Hell! Just meet me in… THE LIBRARY!!!”
Lucy Westenra: “Oh that’s rather nice, actually. I saw bottles of Brandy in there.”
Dracula: “I DO NOT DRINK… Well, no, actually I *do* drink Brandy. TO THE LIBRARY THEN!!!”

Moments later all have gathered in the Library. Just then a Horrifying noise pierces the air. All are visibly shaken, even Dracula.

Arthur Holmwood: (surprised and spilling his brandy): “What The Hell was THAT?”
Dracula: “The house. It shouts.”
Wilhelmina Harker: “Good Lord!”
Dracula: “Yes, those old families didn’t put up too much fuss about moving.”
Quincy Harker: “Will you please get to the point of this damn evening?”
Dracula: “YES!”

Dracula removes a sheaf of papers from his jacket.

Dracula: “Your son, Jonathan, FAILED to complete the transfer of articles, releasing my house in exchange for Carfax Abbey in England.”
Quincy Harker: “Are you mad? We couldn’t have finished this transaction at The House That Shrieks?”
Arthur Holmwood: “Or in the village for pity’s sake.”
Dracula: “I wanted to do all of this at my castle, but you fools got lost and wound up at THE HOUSE THAT SHREK!”
Lucy Westenra: “Shrieks.”
Dracula: “Shrieks, yes.”
Quincy Harker: “Well we damn sure weren’t lost in the village hotel.”
Dracula: (petulantly) “My castle is nicer.”
Quincy Harker: “And we aren’t there, either.”
Dracula: “THAT’S not MY FAULT!”
Wilhelmina Harker: “Of course it is! A simple address in Google Maps or Mapquest would have solved all of this nonsense.”
Dracula: “I only use AppleMaps.”
Lucy Westenra: “Whatever! Anything would be better than having us run around trying to find this ‘House That Farts’, bullshit!”
Dracula: (shocked) “GASP! THE HOUSE THAT FARTS is a Historic Landmark!”
Arthur Holmwood: “More to the point, we haven’t even seen the condition of your castle.”
Dracula: “WHAT? But! But it’s too far and too LATE! We’d have to go through all of this TOMORROW!”
Quincy Harker: “Well, that’s not our problem. I’m not buying a Pig in a Poke! But more to the point for me is, why didn’t my son, Jonathan, finish the contracts himself and where is he?”
Dracula: (awkwardly) “Ah… oh… uh… kids these days! Heh! Who knows what he’s got up to, eh?”
Quincy Harker: “Well I need to see your castle and I’m not doing any business at this late hour. Look. The dawn is already breaking.”
Dracula: “WHAT?!?”

Dracula pulls out his phone and shouts at it

Dracula: “DAMN IT, SIRI! I TOLD YOU TO TELL ME WHEN IT’S SIX O’CLOCK!”
Siri: “It’s Six O’Clock.”
Dracula: “The Sun is RISING ALREADY! It’s SEVEN O’CLOCK!!!”
Siri: “Finding Eight O’Clock Coffee.”
Dracula: “GAAAAaaahhh…hh… “

Wilhelmina Harker: “My word!”
Arthur Holwood: “Well, I certainly didn’t see that coming.”
Quincy Harker: “Bah! Romanians! No wonder they’re so pale! Well, the village hotel is pretty far. Who is for just sleeping here and setting off in the afternoon?”

A Horrifying noise pierces the air.

Quincy Harker: “Right. Off to the village, then.”

END
Story copyright 2018 by E.C. McMullen Jr.

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HOW ABOUT REAL RACIAL DIVERSITY?

7 Bad Storytelling Habits That We All Learned from Superhero Comics

Thor_Heimdall350…more often than not, Charlie Jane Anders nails it, and particularly with this article, and specifically this paragraph, that hits right on my comic geek peeve.

“— plus superhero comics gave us the weird trend of creating female versions of male characters, like She-Hulk, Spider-Woman, Batgirl, Supergirl or Ms. Marvel. Instead of getting to be their own heroes, female characters often got stuck becoming the “girl” versions of the “men.”

Marvel: “Hey! We’re all about diversity at Marvel! Why, for Thor, we took the only servant from the series, Heimdall, and made him Black! It was a very controversial decision for us!”

Me: “Heimdall: the “Whitest of the gods” in Norse mythology, is now black.”

Marvel: “Hey! Don’t be so racist! Embrace the diversity!”

Me: “So his sister Sif is also black?

Marvel: “No, no. Oh hell no. She’s still white. And she’s a great warrior!”

Me: “Fine. What does the great warrior Heimdall do in your movie?”

Marvel: “He’s not a warrior anymore. He’s now a Doorman.”

Me: “He…! What the hell?”

Marvel: “We also lightened his dark brown eyes with contacts! Nobody else, just him. They looked too “ethnic”, for a Norse god. ”

Me: “WHAT THE-?”

Marvel: “He also doesn’t get to fight for Asgard, eat, drink, or make merry with the other gods anymore. In fact, he doesn’t get to live in their city, either. We made him so he has to stay far away from the rest of the gods because, after all, he’s now a black servant!”

Me: “WHAT?!?”

Marvel: “He wears a lot of gold, you know like some urban rappers, but winds up unemployed! The End!”

Me: FUUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!

If you are serious about diversity, then make people their own superhero (y’know, like BLADE, BLACK PANTHER, LUKE CAGE, SPAWN). And not a desexualized quarter human (or less) like Cyborg: The only black guy in the Justice League is machine from the chest down? The hell?!?


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