DARTH VADER FLAMES! LUKE SKYWALKER ROASTS!
LUKE: “Hey Vader, wow, you really kicked ass… before you were 12. But since you’re like, 40 something, what have you done lately?
VADER: “Hhhhhhh … I … defeated Obi Wan … Sort Of … Hhhhh”
LUKE: “Yeah, once he stopped fighting. Tell you what: you know what else I never did? Pop ? I never let the first woman who ever loved me die the slave of Tusken Raiders!”
VADER: “Now HHHHHold on. I made them PAY for that.”
LUKE: “Yes, by killing all of them including their children. Took a lot of Force Fu to kill kids, did it? Pop?”
VADER: “It… It sent AHhhhhhhh… message. Now I am the most feared …Hhhhhhh- “
LUKE: “A message? What? ‘Oooo! Don’t mess with my Mama! Oh wait! She’s already dead! Well then the message is, don’t anyone else mess with my Mama! Oh wait, back to square one!’ Speaking of love, you know what else I never did? I never let the love of my life, the second and only woman left in the entire universe who could ever love me, DIE!
Only two people in the whole universe could ever love you, and you let both of them DIE!
Even worse: You spent the rest of your wretched adult life being a lapdog for your wife’s Murderer!
LUKE: “Palpatine murdered Mom, you freaking matchstick!”
Puny as you think I am? I started with nothing and conquered with little. With the combined might of the Jedi and the Empire and The Force, I would have never lost track of my Mother, my Wife, and both my children. Hell, I never killed children or helped destroy entire living planets. In fact, that’s kinda my thing. Between you and me? I’M the only one who’s capable of saving the lives of people who matter to me.
LUKE: “In fact, as weak as you think I am? When you and me went One on One? You blinked! With the combined might of the full Death Star, plus a Moon full of Tie Fighters plus your Elite, hand-picked personal wingmen, AND your Sorcerer’s Ways, you still couldn’t protect the Death Star from ME!
I didn’t just destroy the Death Star, I personally took the most powerful Weapon of Mass Destruction ever created away from YOU! And I did it while flying a used old beat to shit rebel fighter patch-job with a blown droid! It had after market seat covers from Autozone, for crying out loud! We had so little money we couldn’t afford cup holders! You had six full fleets of thousands of brand new, top of the line, Empire built, cutting edge Tie Fighters with Imperial trained pilots, with all of the latest weaponry and I still kicked your freaking ass, old man!
VADER: “HUFF! You had help! HHHHHHH! Millennium Falcon -“
LUKE: “That old hunk of junk? It’s a light freighter! The pilot won it in a card game! You had a brand new State of the Art Death Star and the full might of a military trained Imperial force!
Old busted Freighter! Brand New Death Star!“
VADER: “Huffff! Yeah? Well …Hhhhhh…”
LUKE: “Holy shit! And the cherry on top of all of this is that lying son of a bitch, Obi Wan Kenobi!
On top of all your other failures, with the power of the Force and the might of the Empire at your disposal, you failed to find the One Guy you spent decades searching the galaxy for! The bastard who chopped your legs off and left you to die on a lava bed! And the entire time he was not only Living on your Home Planet within a three hour drive from your step brother Owen – who you couldn’t save either, you loser – Kenobi was still using his real god damn name !
VADER: “The Force TOLD me Obi Was – er – Obi Wan – WAS… Hhhhhhh … ON THE DEATH STAR!”
LUKE: “Huh! Yeah! After I flew across five systems and put him right on your god damn welcome mat!”
VADER: “I STILL KILLED HIM! Kind of…”
LUKE: “Yeah, After we kicked Imperial ass, After we rescued the Princess, After we vandalized your Death Star tractor beam, and After Obi stopped fighting. And that’s yet another thing! Your “Sorcerer’s Ways! – “
VADER: “STOP SAYING THAT!”
LUKE: “- couldn’t even alert you to the fact that your last and only connection to Padmé, your children, were on your damn ship! Right under your plastic nose! You had both of us in the palm of your freaking hand and never knew it!
Great fucking use of the force there! Pop! “
VADER: “Now listen you rotten BRAT! HHHHHHH… Back When I Was 10, I – HHHHHH-“
LUKE: “Hey! Too damn bad you weren’t fighting me when you were 10.”
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Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.
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