Lemme tell you something…

THE HIGHLANDER REBOOT

Highlander

Gregory Widen’s Highlander. Movie copyright 1986 by Highlander Productions Limited, Thorn EMI Screen Entertainment

CONNOR ‘The Highlander’ MACLEOD: “Okay, enough is enough. These were all good guys and I’m tired of killing people.”
JUAN SANCHEZ VILLA-LOBOS RAMIREZ: “You musht kill, immortal. There can be only one.”
HIGHLANDER: “Why should I kill anyone? You’ve already granted me immortality and made me a Prince of the Universe. What could be better than that?”
JS VILLA-LOBOS RAMIREZ: “The Great Prizesh!”
HIGHLANDER: “The what?”
JSVLR: “The Great Prizesh!”
HIGHLANDER: “I’m sorry. The what again?”
JSVLR: “Prizesh! Prizesh! The Great Prizesh!”
HIGHLANDER: “… Pliers?”
JSVLR: “No God damn it! Prizesh! Prizesh! The Great Prizesh!”
HIGHLANDER: “Are you trying to say Prize?”
JSVLR: “YESH!”
HIGHLANDER: “You know, you don’t talk like a Spaniard.”
JSVLR: “Sheesh!”
HIGHLANDER: “Okay so sure. The Great Prize. After all of these centuries, only two of us left, can you finally tell me what this great prize is?”
JSVLR: “No. The Great Prizesh ish alsho a great shecret and you know that. Sho shtop ashking.”
HIGHLANDER: “So I’m killing people for a great secret prize.”
JSVLR: “Exshactly.”
HIGHLANDER: “And it’s not a pair of pliers.”
JSVLR: “NO!”
HIGHLANDER: “After all these centuries, seems a really prick-selfish thing to do, killing people for a stupid prize.”
JSVLR: “It’sh NOT a shtupid prizesh! And if you don’t kill Victor Kruger, he’ll surely kill you.”
HIGHLANDER: “Maybe after all of this killing… well, maybe he is fed up with it too. Maybe we can talk it out, like two immortals. Come to some truce…”
JSVLR: “NO! You have to kill him for the Great Prizesh!”
HIGHLANDER: “Really, we’re immortal Princes of the Universe. There’s gotta be room in the whole damn universe for two princes.”
JSVLR: “Then neither of you will get The Great Prizesh! Ish that what you want?”
HIGHLANDER: “I’m happy with what I’ve got.”
JSVLR: “Well you shtill have to kill the Kurgan becaush… becaush he’sh a bad guy!”
HIGHLANDER: “What does he do? I mean, I know we have our differences and all, revenge and all, but man! After all of these centuries of death and slaughter, I just don’t care anymore. Not now when all the killing is just for some stupid *Prize*-”
JSVLR: “GREAT PRIZESH, Damn it!”
HIGHLANDER: “Yeah. Right. But what does Victor actually do that is so bad ?”
JSVLR: “HE KILLSH PEOPLE, YOU FOOL!
HIGHLANDER:I KILL PEOPLE! WE ALL KILL PEOPLE for this BLOODY GREAT PRIZE!”
JSVLR: “Yesh but… but he’sh bad becaush… he killsh people… eh… ahem… badly.”
HIGHLANDER: “Even you have to know how stupid that sounds.”
JSVLR: “You don’t have a choicesh, Highlander.”
HIGHLANDER: “I think I do.”

The Highlander walks away

JSVLR: “The Kurgan won’t lishen to reashon. He’ll kill you!”
HIGHLANDER: “We’ll see.”

AFTER THE BATTLE

HIGHLANDER: “Whew! Son of a bitch! Well, you were right. Kruger wouldn’t listen and I had to kill him.”
JSVLR: “Told you sho.”
Highlander: “Okay. So what’s this Great Prize, already?”
JSVLR: “Ah Yesh! The Great Prizesh!”

WOOSH! Lightening flashes everywhere and centers on Connor ‘The Highlander’ MacLeod! Streaming into him, Full Force with all the majesty of 1980s SFX!

HIGHLANDER: “YOWWW!!!”
JSVLR: “The Great Prizesh ish: You Can Now Hear The Thoughtsh Of Every Living Human On Earth!”
HIGHLANDER: AUGH! BILLIONS OF VOICES ALL BABBLING AT ONCE! IN! MY! HEAD!
JSVLR: “YESH!”
HIGHLANDER: GAH!!! I CAN’T MAKE THEM SHUT UP!
JSVLR: “YESH!”
Highlander: “THIS SUCKS!”
JSVLR: “YESH!”
HIGHLANDER: “THIS IS THE GREAT FUCKING PRIZE?!?
JSVLR: “HA! HA! HA! YESH!
HIGHLANDER: “YOU KNEW IT ALL ALONG! YOU ASSHOLE!
JSVLR: BWA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAAA!!! AN IMMORTAL ASHHOLE! OF! THE!  UNIVERSH! 

END

Copyright 2013, E.C. McMullen Jr.
Satire of author Gregory Widen’s, HIGHLANDER.


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